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If you are a woman, you’ve probably been called a slut. Or a tease. Or you’ve been told that you’re showing too much skin or too little, or that you’re being to forward or too shy. If you’re a woman, chances are someone has had something to say about your sexuality.
On Monday, one woman decided she’s had enough.
In a series of tweets, 26-year-old Aaminah Khan vented her frustration over how “slut” is used to rob women of their sexual agency, and explained why she’s reclaiming the word.
In a phone interview, Khan told me that her tweets—many of which garnered hundreds of likes and several retweets—were prompted by a specific incident (which she tweeted about as well). But they were also the product of a longer meditation. Khan had been reflecting on how sexuality is perceived, and the kinds of behaviors that inspire judgement. “When is it OK to have sex?” Khan asked. “What kinds of sex are considered alright? What kinds of sex are considered deviant? Or somehow too much, too promiscuous.”
Khan’s sentiment echoes that of an international chorus of women who reclaimed “slut” after a Canadian police officer told women to “avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimised,” back in 2011. Soon after, women and their allies organized SlutWalks to fight the notion that women who are sexually assaulted or rape invite attacks because they dress or act in certain ways.
“Slut” has remained controversial—many women are opposed to its use, and others argue that efforts to give it a positive connotation have yet to pay off. And Khan is quick to say that the issue is complicated. “Taking back and owning your sexuality is a really difficult thing, and it’s not as simple as ‘I’m liberated,’ or ‘I’m not,’ or ‘I’m empowered’ or ‘I’m not,’” Khan said when I asked if she had any advice for people facing slut-shaming.
Young women and others facing judgment for their sexuality should, however, remember that it’s not really about them. “If you have time to think about all the sex others are having,” Khan wrote, “maybe you need to devote more time to your own sex life.”
And though women are the ones most often targeted for their sexuality, Khan sees slut-shaming as a broad issue. “I was really careful to keep the language inclusive to where it was mostly about women because slut-shaming is something that mostly affects women, but also… anyone whose sexuality is being regulated and scrutinized,” she told me.
Khan is a queer Muslim woman, and her intersectional identity means she’s received some pretty vile comments. She told me she’s received comments from “Non-Muslim liberals who are like, ‘Oh, well, did you know that ISIS would kill you for being gay?’” She continued, “I get people who are not Muslim who don’t like Muslims who say that my beliefs are incompatible with my religion because they don’t like my religion, and then I get Muslims who say that my beliefs are incompatible with my religion because they don’t like my beliefs. So I kind of get it from both sides.”
Ultimately, Khan says, “I don’t think that people should feel bad or ashamed.”
“As for what to say to people who slut shame you—I don’t think there’s anything you can say, because they’re never going to stop,” she told me. “So I think you have to live authentically and do things that are safe and consensual that make you feel good, and hopefully make your partners feel good as well.”
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The next time someone calls you a slut, take this advice from a queer Muslim woman