Friday, July 22, 2016

This brilliant online tool lets you secretly monitor mansplainers

Are men talking too much

AreMenTalkingTooMuch.com


Have you ever been a meeting and felt like in order to be heard you had to have a penis?


Dudes will attempt to mansplain things to women in all sorts of situations, but perhaps none more than the office meeting, where research has shown that women do way less of the talking. In one widely covered 2012 study, for example, researchers at Brigham Young University and Princeton University found that, in meetings where both men and women were present, women only spoke an average of 25% of the time—meaning men’s voices accounted for a whopping 75% of the meeting. WTF?


If this scenario feels familiar, you will probably enjoy a new website geared toward helping all genders become more aware of how much of the conversation they are dominating.


Say hello to AreMenTalkingTooMuch.com, created by Cathy Deng, a consultant and developer in Chicago. Her website is simple yet effective, featuring two stop watches that allow you to keep track of how much men (or a man) is saying during any given conversation versus non-men (or a non-man.)


Are men talking too muchAreMenTalkingTooMuch.com

Once you start keeping track of time, the site offers a percentage breakdown of how much “a dude” is talking versus “not a dude.”


“When people talk about diversity and inclusion in tech, they often count bodies—what percent of women at this company, what percent women at an event,” Deng explains on her personal site. “But…inclusion is more than who’s in the room. Often, in rooms that seem diverse, men still dominate conversations to a large extent.”


Earlier this year, the BBC’s The Forum profiled Silja Bara Omarsdottir, a professor at the University in Iceland, after she called for at least one day a year in which men would not speak in meetings unless a woman had given her opinion first. In the interview, Bara Omarsdottir noted that, because of social conditioning, women tend to wait for their turn to express their opinions while men do not.


While Deng’s website takes a playful approach to this imbalance, it may indeed prove a useful tool for change within companies where perceived inequalities persist because they’re so hard to quantify. “I’m exploiting the mantra of ‘what gets measured gets managed,’ she says on her site. Meaning—if employees can point to hard numbers to demonstrate gender inequality, they’ll create a stronger case for change.


When I asked Deng how her site was being perceived by the men she knew, she told me in an email, “I know many well-intentioned men who care about inclusion, so they mostly reacted positively to the website and were generally surprised” by the results. Of course, trolls are sliding into her DMs on Twitter as well, she says, but she’s shrugging off the indignation of those who can’t see the irony.


Finally, if you’re squaring off with a mansplainer in your life and clocking his talk time just isn’t enough—here are five more effective ways to handle the problem.



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This brilliant online tool lets you secretly monitor mansplainers

Anonymous: “We Need To Talk”

*The following narrative is from one of our HIV-positive scholarship applicants. It has been minimally changed to remove any identifying information.*


2012 was going to be a year of big changes in my life. I was right, but not in the way I predicted at all. The last few months of 2011 saw the end of my first long term relationship, my mother checking into rehab to face what had been a lifetime battle with alcohol addiction, helping my siblings cope with this big step she was taking and enrolling myself in classes to further my education. I had spent the last three months on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Sad to close the chapter with my former partner. Angry at my mother for waiting so long to face her demons. Worried about my father and siblings. Stressed about school and the future. Scared of failing and making mistakes.  


rollercoaster-hiv


January 1, 2012, came and I was ready to leave the negative in the past and move myself forward to a brighter future. I was not 100 percent sure what that future was, but I knew I wanted to help people and was enrolled in classes at the local community college to finish some prerequisites for a Master’s program to become a teacher. Before classes started, I decided to take a weekend trip to relieve some stress and have a fun filled weekend before my free time was once again filled with essay writing, studying and class. I went to visit an old friend from my undergraduate years. He and I had dated briefly during that time and had stayed in touch off and on throughout the years. He was someone I trusted. That weekend was filled with bad decisions. Alcohol lowered my inhibitions. I had had unprotected sex in the past, but I practiced safe sex almost 100 percent of the time. That weekend, we did not use condoms. I didn’t think anything of it, and neither did he.


alcohol-hiv-decisions


Three weeks later, my grandfather passed away. He had lived a life devoted to his faith and was a shining example of putting others before yourself. He was never one to judge others.  He loved his family with all his heart. I drove to New York with my family to spend time with my grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends to celebrate his life. The night of the funeral, I got a text message from my friend I had visited a few weeks prior. It simply said “we need to talk.” I explained where I was and asked if it could wait and didn’t get a response for another two days. I was home at that time and I called him, he told me he had tested positive for HIV and I should get tested. I made an appointment the next day to get tests done. That was the longest two days of my life. I found out I was HIV-positive on a Thursday afternoon. I spent the next three days crying. I was convinced my life was over.


The first couple months were the hardest. I did not tell a soul about my status outside the two people who I had been with the past year. They, thankfully, both tested negative. I was back on the roller coaster of emotions. I wanted this new year to be better and filled with progress and new opportunities. I spent those first two months in a constant state of denial and depression. This couldn’t be real. When I was accepting of the diagnosis, I was convinced my life was over. Despite my doctor reassuring me that I could live a long, healthy life, I was convinced my life was over. I shut myself out from the world. I rarely spoke to my family or friends, stayed home most nights with a bottle (or two) of wine and dropped out of all my classes. In my mind I could never help other people again, who would want help from me?


bad-rollercoaster


After getting through the first few months, I started to realize my life didn’t have to be over.  I educated myself more about the virus, joined an online help group and began communicating via email with several other men around my age who were also positive. Suddenly I wasn’t alone. My viral load reached undetectable levels very quickly and have stayed there for over 4 years now. My CD4 counts were excellent. I was ready to move on and realized it was time to start taking care of myself again. I started running again, training for races, eating healthier. I could feel myself improving physically and emotionally.


I joined an online dating site specifically targeted to HIV-positive individuals. I went on a few dates and got to know some great people who I still consider friends to this day.


Things were really looking up for me. I started dating someone I had met before my diagnosis. We took things very slow, really getting to know each other. When it became necessary for me to tell him about my status, I was prepared for the worst. Instead I was surprised by an understanding response and have now been with him for 4 years. Things were going well, I was in a relationship, working hard on myself physically and had started classes again. I still was not really dealing with the psychological side of things. I hit a low point one night while drinking with my partner. We ended up in a physical altercation and it all boiled down to my status. He was accepting. I was not. It was at that time I decided to start talking to a therapist and my family. My parents were very supportive. My siblings have always been there for me and continue to be so today. I spoke with several therapists and finally found one I respected and felt at ease talking to.  


hiv-looking-up


HIV has affected my life in a major way. It brought me to my lowest point physically and emotionally. It made me give up on goals and doubt myself. It scared me. I let it define me for almost a year. It took a big event to make me realize that I could not continue down this path.  HIV led me to this dark place, but it also led to me dealing with issues I had long ignored. I now take better care of myself in every aspect possible. It is weird to say, but in some ways, HIV has made me a better person. I’m more compassionate. I’m more responsible. I’m more patient. I’m more driven. I know I have a future, and I’m ready for it.


If there was one thing I wish people who are not living with the virus knew about those of us who are living with HIV, it would be that while we all share this one common virus, we are still individuals. It is easy to group everyone together depending on whether they are “positive” or “negative.” By doing so, you are missing the big picture. HIV is not a character trait or a personality flaw. My story is different than every other person who is living with HIV today and those who have passed. My story is mine. Don’t make assumptions about a person just because they are HIV-positive. Every person, regardless of their status, is on their own path. Sure some have had a rockier ride than others, but we all started out the same and we will all end up in the same place eventually. Get to know people before making any judgments. By judging someone without knowing them you could be the one missing out.  


my-story-is-mine-hiv


People living with HIV can make a difference and can help others. That is why I am going back to school for with a focus on housing and community revitalization. I believe that once I faced my demons and accepted that HIV is just a part of my journey, I can do so much more and help those living in areas that need help most. I’m excited for the future. Just over four years ago, I couldn’t say that, but today I can.


The post Anonymous: “We Need To Talk” appeared first on STD Exposed – Sexual Health Blog.


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Anonymous: “We Need To Talk”

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Here are all the times Donald Trump has been accused of rape or attempted rape

160721-trump-rapist

Getty Images



Tonight, Donald Trump will officially accept the Republican nomination for President, putting him one step closer to the White House. His speech will likely allude to building walls, making deals, and keeping immigrants out—but what he probably won’t talk about are the three times he’s been accused of rape or attempted, by three different women.



While The Donald’s reputation as a womanizer is well known, the public doesn’t often talk about these accusations. But according to legal documents, Trump has been accused of raping a 13-year-old child, raping his ex-wife, and attempting to rape a former business associate. He vehemently denies all of these accusations—and it should be noted anyone can file a civil complaint in court, and a complaint is by no means proof of allegations.


That being said, the first and most famous accusation comes from Trump’s ex-wife Ivana Trump. During a deposition in the ’90s, Ivana described a harrowing scene in which Trump held her arms back, pulled at her hair, and raped her in a fit of rage. She herself used the word “rape.” The details of the incident were made public in the 1993 book Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald J. Trump, written by the journalist Harry Hurt III.


Trump denies this incident took place, and before the book hit shelves his lawyers required that it include a statement at the front written by Ivana, in which she walks back her use of the word “rape.”


“During a deposition given by me in connection with my matrimonial case, I stated that my husband had raped me,” the statement said. “I referred to this as a ‘rape,’ but I do not want my words to be interpreted in a literal or criminal sense.”


In her statement she added instead that she felt “violated.”


The second accusation of sexual assault comes from a 1997 lawsuit. Jill Harth says she and her romantic partner were working with Trump on a business deal, when The Donald started making unwelcome sexual advances. In a lawsuit filed against Trump, she says he leered at her inappropriately, groped her on several occasions without her consent, and even “attempted rape.”


In her lawsuit, Harth describes a scene in which Trump took her into one of his children’s bedrooms at his Florida estate Mar-a-Lago, threw her against the wall, began touching her all over, and lifted up her dress.


In a recent interview with The Guardian, Harth says she had to physically prevent him from advancing and shouted out: “What are you doing? Stop it.” Adding, “It was a shocking thing to have him do this because he knew I was with George [her partner], he knew they were in the next room. And how could he be doing this when I’m there for business?”


Trump denies any of this ever happened, calling the allegations “meritless.” While Harth withdrew her lawsuit shortly after Trump settled a separate lawsuit with her romantic partner over a business matter, she stands by her claims. (Harth and Trump had a cordial relationship until recently, when the allegations resurfaced and he denied them. At that point, according to The Guardian, Harth decided to speak out.) She also says Trump’s camp has contacted her on several occasions in an attempt to make her change her story and deny it ever happened. “I said I’m not doing that,” she told The Guardian.


The third case against Trump comes via a recent federal lawsuit filed in June 2016 in the State of New York by “Jane Doe.” In the suit, Doe alleges that Trump raped her back in 1994, when she was just 13 years old. According to legal docs, Doe says she attended parties with Trump and his friend Jeffrey Epstein—a registered sex offender known in the media as the “billionaire pedophile.” Doe, who was trying to become a model, says it was during these parties that Trump initiated sexual contact with her on several occasions and on one occasion allegedly raped her.


According to the suit, Trump tied her to a bed, exposed himself to her and then raped her in a “savage sexual attack.” Doe says she screamed for him to stop at which point he struck her in the face while screaming “that he would do whatever he wanted.” In a statement filed with the lawsuit, Doe says Trump threatened to ruin her life and her family’s life if she ever told anyone about the incident:


Immediately following this rape Defendant Trump threatened me that, were I ever to reveal any of the details of Defendant Trump’s sexual and physical abuse of me, my family and I would be physically harmed if not killed.



The lawsuit also includes a witness statement from a “Tiffany Doe,” who says that, in the ’90s, she was in charge of recruiting adolescent women to entertain guests at Epstein’s parties—and she personally saw the incident occur.


I personally witnessed the Plaintiff being forced to perform various sexual acts with Donald J. Trump and Mr. Epstein. Both Mr. Trump and Mr. Epstein were advised that she was 13 years old.



In her statement, Tiffany Doe also says she witnessed Trump force other minors to perform oral sex on him and witnessed his “physical abuse” on them “when they finished the act.”


According to documents, Trump has denied the allegations, stating “These allegations are not only categorically false, but disgusting at the highest level and clearly framed to solicit media attention or, perhaps, are simply politically motivated. There is absolutely no merit to these allegations. Period.”


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Here are all the times Donald Trump has been accused of rape or attempted rape

This one sentence shows why consent is waaay more complicated than ‘yes means yes’

160714-male-orgasm2

Elena Scotti/Shutterstock


Many people now agree that sexual assault is a serious issue, but one thing we can’t seem to agree on is what constitutes consent: Is it “no means no” or “yes means yes“? Can someone be too drunk to give consent? Can someone be too drunk to recognize consent? Should someone go to jail because one party can’t remember giving consent?


It doesn’t have to be this confusing. In a brilliant Medium post titled Consent, Explained, a self-proclaimed “square, married, living in the suburbs” woman provides a much-needed crash course. What makes her an expert? Well, when she isn’t being “square,” she runs sex parties out of her home, so she is very familiar with the concept—since every single one of her sex-guests has to give abundant consent.


In her post, she explains that our society has been looking at consent all wrong:


Everyone is asking the wrong question: ‘If the woman doesn’t remember that evening, how do we know whether or not she consented to sex?’ We’ll never know the answer to that question, but the answer to that question doesn’t actually matter. What matters is that she lost the ability to revoke consent. Even if she’d previously granted consent, if she lost the ability to revoke that consent, from that moment on, there was no consent.



In other words—consent isn’t just about saying yes, it’s also about having the agency to say no. As she explains in one spot-on sentence:


Consent is always conditional on participants’ ability to revoke their consent.



Yes, just like an Oreo needs both the cookie and the cream to be an Oreo, consent needs both the yes and the ability to say no to be consent.


This is the part some people have been ignoring—because even if consent is give at one point, or the so-called “appearance” of consent is given through dancing, kissing, hugging, or whatever, the moment the ability to say no disappears (you know, by blacking out or becoming unconscious), so does consent. A lesson some lawmakers still need to learn.


To make things even clearer, the writer includes this handy graphic to illustrate the concept:


consent_graphicMedium

Read her full post on Medium.


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If you think you have a STD, there is something you can do about it! The only way to know for sure is to be tested.


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This feature is for informational purposes only and should not be used to replace the care and information received from your health care provider. Please consult a health care professional with any health concerns you may have.



This one sentence shows why consent is waaay more complicated than ‘yes means yes’

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

This one sentence shows why consent is more complicated than ‘yes means yes’

160714-male-orgasm2

Elena Scotti/Shutterstock


Many people now agree that sexual assault is a serious issue, but one thing we can’t seem to agree on is what constitutes consent: Is it “no means no” or “yes means yes“? Can someone be too drunk to give consent? Can someone be too drunk to recognize consent? Should someone go to jail because one party can’t remember giving consent?


It doesn’t have to be this confusing. In a brilliant Medium post titled Consent, Explained, a self-proclaimed “square, married, living in the suburbs”-woman provides a much-needed crash course. What makes her an expert? Well, when she isn’t being “square,” she runs sex parties out of her home, so she is very familiar with the concept—since every single one of her sex-guests has to give abundant consent.


In her post, she explains that when it comes to consent, our society has been looking at it all wrong:


Everyone is asking the wrong question: ‘If the woman doesn’t remember that evening, how do we know whether or not she consented to sex?’ We’ll never know the answer to that question, but the answer to that question doesn’t actually matter. What matters is that she lost the ability to revoke consent. Even if she’d previously granted consent, if she lost the ability to revoke that consent, from that moment on, there was no consent.



In other words—consent isn’t just about saying yes, it’s also about having the agency to say no. As she explains in one spot-on sentence:


Consent is always conditional on participants’ ability to revoke their consent.



Yes, just like an Oreo needs both the cookie and the cream to be an Oreo, consent needs both the yes and the ability to say no to be consent.


This is the part some people have been ignoring—because even if consent is give at one point, or the so-called “appearance” of consent is given through dancing, kissing, hugging, or whatever, the moment the ability to say no disappears (you know, by blacking out or becoming unconscious), so does consent. A lesson some lawmakers still need to learn.


To make things even clearer, the writer included this handy graphic to illustrate the concept:


consent_graphicMedium

Read her full post on Medium.


link to source





If you think you have a STD, there is something you can do about it! The only way to know for sure is to be tested.


GET TESTED NOW. SEE TESTS & PRICES



This feature is for informational purposes only and should not be used to replace the care and information received from your health care provider. Please consult a health care professional with any health concerns you may have.



This one sentence shows why consent is more complicated than ‘yes means yes’

Are men inherently more criminal than women?

160720-men-crimes3

Elena Scotti/FUSION


How much money would it take to get you to steal a piece of candy? $10? $50? $200? How about to steal a car? Or how about this—how much would it take for you to kill someone? Is there any amount of money that would justify taking someone’s life?


Turns out your answer to these questions may vary widely depending on one factor: Your gender. A new survey found that men are much more willing to commit crimes—and for much lower sums of money—than women.


This information was taken from a survey fielded by Get Safe, a company specializing in home security, which asked 2,000 Americans (53% male and 47% female) a series of hypothetical questions using Survey Monkey to gauge how far they’d be willing to stretch their moral compass—and just how much money it would cost to get them to do it. The results were unsettling.


The survey found that 80% of respondents would steal a piece of candy for money. Not too bad—it’s just candy, right? Well, 71.8% said they’d be willing to punch someone in the face for money, which feels a bit more unsettling. More than 55% of respondents said they would steal a car for cash, and scariest of all, 40.6% said they would be willing to kill someone if the pay was high enough. Whaaa? Granted, most respondents said it would take millions of dollars to add murder to their resume—but the point is that there appears to be a line, and many Americans say they’re willing to cross it.


crime_totalGetSafe.com

But the data got a little more interesting when broken down by gender: It turns out men were much more willing to commit crimes than women—and they were willing to do so for a much lower price than women.


crime_menwomen_numbersGetSafe.com

According to the data, 77.1% of male respondents said they’d be willing to punch a random person, versus 65% of female respondents. For the men who were willing to commit this type of assault, the median price was $1,500, whereas women reported a median of $2,000 to commit the same crime. Indeed, 61.4% of men versus 46% of women willing to rob a home, with women demanding double the payout. And when it came to murder, 46% of men stated they would kill someone for a median of $100,000,000, whereas 34% of women said they would take a life for five times as much money.


Crime_menwomen_money

Of course, all of these are improbable hypotheticals, but the answers shed light on an interesting question: Are men actually more criminally inclined than women?


With the recent spate of police killings, race-based violence, and mass shootings in this country, it appears on the surface that yes, men tend to be at the core of most violent crimes. In fact, a few weeks ago, I wrote about the fact that 98% of mass shooters in the U.S. are men. And a recent Los Angeles Times piece titled “One group is responsible for America’s culture of violence … It’s men,” reported the following:


  • 98% of the officers who have shot and killed civilians are male

  • 90% of those who commit homicide by any means are male

  • 80% of those arrested for all violent crimes—murder and non-negligent manslaughter, forcible rape, robbery and aggravated assault—are male.

But before we throw men under the bus entirely, it’s important to consider other factors that may contribute to both the survey data and previous reports. To get a better sense of why there seems to be such a strong connection between violent crime and the Y-chromosome, I contacted James Garbarino, a professor, psychologist, and the author of the book Listening to Killers: Lessons Learned from My 20 Years as a Psychological Expert Witness in Murder Cases.


His explanation? “I think it’s a mix of biological, genetic, cultural, and social factors, and when they all intersect, that’s when you get a problem,” Garbarino told me over the phone.


For example, men are much more likely than women to carry a form of the gene known as MAOA—nicknamed the “warrior gene”—which, when combined with other factors, can lead to increased aggression and violence. Eighty-five percent of children who are abused and also carry the MAOA gene end up with aggression problems, for example. However, “If you’re not abused, then the gene becomes irrelevant,” he explained. Certain mental disabilities including antisocial personality disorders are also more common in men, he said, which can contribute to aggression issues later in life.


Then there’s the empathy factor. Speaking extremely generally, Garbarino noted that men tend to be more emotionally disconnected than women, which can influence violent crime. “It’s more like, act now, feel later,” he explained. Which is why it makes sense to him that more men than women in the survey said they were willing to murder someone for money.


“Men will say this, but it’s because they [might not] get the emotional significance of what it would mean to actually kill someone,” he said.


Then, of course, there is social conditioning, and specifically the fact that American society has equated masculinity with strength and aggression. “Males are taught and trained from a young age to be aggressive without feeling,” said Garbarino, pointing out that the Trump presidential campaign is a perfect example of this IRL.


“Trump has overwhelming support among men—and I don’t think they’re monsters, but they’re not getting the significance of what he says and what he represents,” referring to some of Trump’s more violent, aggressive rhetoric towards protestors, immigrants, and women.


So how do we avoid strengthening these contributing factors? One way to combat this so-called toxic masculinity is to change how we socialize our children. Garbarino said, for example, that if a boy starts crying in pre-school, the teacher is likely to stand him up, look him in the eyes, and say, “What’s wrong?” But if a girl starts crying, she is likely to be comforted. “What you should probably do is put the little boy on your lap and comfort him,” he explained. “If you want to run against the tide biologically and culturally you need to socialize explicitly.”


That, and get more little boys to look up to a variety of male role models, representing less aggressive forms of masculinity. “If you want to have more men not prone to aggression, then they should be watching Mister Rogers. But some people feel that would be disloyal to masculinity,” he explained.


While our conversation only scratched the surface of a long list of catalysts, it appears that certain men are caught in the crosshairs of genetics, emotional disconnection and culture, making them both biologically predisposed to violence and conditioned from a young age to act on that violence without remorse.


While men might be more prone to committing acts of violent crime, as Garbarino put it: “If the price is large enough, people may do all kinds of things that they wouldn’t normally do.”


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If you think you have a STD, there is something you can do about it! The only way to know for sure is to be tested.


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This feature is for informational purposes only and should not be used to replace the care and information received from your health care provider. Please consult a health care professional with any health concerns you may have.



Are men inherently more criminal than women?

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Bisexual women don’t want to be your sex ‘unicorn’

160718-unicorn-1

Elena Scotti/FUSION



My friend Holly*, a thirty-something Brooklynite who works in the wine and spirits industry, has been online dating for a few years now. Holly’s an open-minded, adventurous sort, interested in exploring all sorts of kinks and adventures, particularly with other people who are as queer as she is. But one thing she’s not interested in? Being the third in a random heterosexual couple’s threesome.



That doesn’t stop the onslaught of inquiries, however. Despite the fact that Holly explicitly notes that she’s very particular about her group sex experiences, she still gets message after message from couples who clearly haven’t read her dating profile, desperately hoping that they’ve finally found their unicorn.


If you’ve never heard of a “unicorn,” it is, at the most basic level, a bisexual woman who’s open to a threesome with a heterosexual couple (or, to be precise, a couple that includes a straight man and a bisexual woman). The term is a familiar one to bisexual women like myself—and it may soon become known to a wider audience thanks to a new web series called Unicornland, which offers a celebratory vision of what it’s like to be a woman seeking adventure in the arms of couples. The series stars a 28-year-old divorcee named Annie who decides to explore her sexuality and expand her relatively vanilla horizons by dating couples looking for a third—making her, in the eyes of the show, a proud and popular “unicorn.”


But missing from the show’s premise is a darker truth to the concept of the unicorn. Because a unicorn isn’t merely an adventurous woman who’s open to group sex. As any bisexual woman who’s spent time on a dating app knows, she’s a fantasy come to life, a person willing to show up for a night of excitement and quietly disappear immediately after, a third who’ll ignite a couple’s passions without complicating their emotions. A unicorn is a creature who’ll bring all the sexy fun without creating any drama, baggage, or need for emotional work—and the reason she’s called a unicorn is because, quite frankly, she doesn’t exist.


What does exist, however, are leagues of unicorn hunters: couples on the prowl for the girl of their dreams, the one who’ll bring their fantasies to life without asking anything in return. And though there’s nothing wrong with a couple experimenting with group sex, or using the internet to seek out someone to play with, so many of these couples end up reducing bisexual women to fetish objects, treating us as interchangeable playthings rather than actual human beings.


As I’ve learned from countless conversations with friends and colleagues, virtually every queer woman who’s looking for love (or sex) at some point deals with the expectation that she’s not just available for, but actively eager, to engage in a threesome. If you want a sense of how prevalent this behavior is, scroll through a few queer women’s profiles and note how many of them specifically note that they’re not interested in couples; unicorn hunters are so common, they’re almost a running joke among queer women.


A unicorn is a creature who’ll bring all the sexy fun to a threesome without creating any drama or baggage—and the reason she’s called a unicorn is because, quite frankly, she doesn’t exist.


But while it’s easy to laugh at misguided couples blanketing sites like OKCupid with poorly worded missives and requests for pix, there’s something deeply uncomfortable about the notion of the unicorn. All women are forced to deal with the assumption that their sexuality exists primarily to pleasure other people, but for bisexual women—who are routinely forced to defend their identities, “proving” the validity of their attractions—this kind of fetishization can cut extra deep.


In the wider dating world, being attracted to more than one gender is often held against us: Lesbians refuse to date women who might leave them for a man, and straight men don’t take our queer relationships seriously (or balk at the notion that our attraction to women isn’t solely about their pleasure). Indeed, our expansive capacity for attraction is treated as a flaw right up until it serves someone else’s sexual fantasy—until it can be put to use to spice up a hetero couple’s sex life (or, for the bisexual women included in these couples, until it can be used to get their partners more play).


And while fetishization and objectification are fairly common practices in online dating—who hasn’t felt like a piece of meat after a few days on Tinder?—it can be even more intense in this instance. Because queer women are being sought out to fulfill a specific fantasy, and play a certain role, they’re often approached more as sexual service providers than actual human beings. Kira, a “multisexual” New Orleans-based executive assistant who contacted me through Facebook, complained about being approached by “straight girls looking for ‘birthday’ presents for their boyfriends,” a phrasing that suggests that queer women are “objects to give as gifts. As if we should be excited by that opportunity.”


This assumption that being a couple’s third is some sort of special honor shapes the way many threesome seekers approach their would-be unicorns, mapping out elaborate criteria for consideration and often making demands for information and pictures without offering any in return. Those kinds of requests can be exhausting even if you’re into the person making them; if you’re on the fence, or not really interested, they can be downright insulting.


Kira recounted one experience she had with a couple on FetLife, an online community and dating site for BDSM and fetish aficionados, who attributed their picture-free profile to the fact that they were “internet personalities” who needed to protect their reputation. But that need to protect a reputation didn’t stop them from being forthcoming about what they were looking for. Specifically, a “clean” partner. Also, “thick is ok but not BBW. No full African Americans, will consider mix.” For Kira—who’s black but can pass as white—the couple’s approach was “beyond dehumanizing.” She told me, “I hated the idea that my perceived race was up for scrutiny … [That] despite my lack of interest, they’d only ‘consider’ me.”


Lost in all of this, of course, is what bisexual women need, or want, or desire. Because while being a tourist in someone else’s relationship can absolutely be a good time, it can also be exhausting, stressful, and emotionally trying. A couple that hasn’t fully prepared for the reality of bringing a third into the bedroom—one that expects effortless fun, with no possibility of discomfort or jealousy—is a magnet for drama and disaster, which can easily spill over into the life of an unwitting third. Even if you’re interested in joining a couple for a sexy night of fun, that couple needs to be able to treat you like a person, not a means to an end. Most unicorn hunters don’t seem to have thought enough about their threesome fantasy to realize that.


By treating all queer women as unicorns just waiting to happen, couples reduce bisexuality to a party trick, and bisexual women to baubles that exist solely to entertain and excite straight them.


And even more importantly, a lot of bisexual women just don’t want threesomes, period. There’s a pervasive assumption that people whose attractions aren’t limited to just one gender are naturally drawn to having multiple partners; that bisexuals are inherently non-monogamous or into group sex. But it’s just not the case. Liking people of many different genders and liking having multiple partners are entirely different things. Being bisexual is no more likely to predispose you to an interest in threesomes than being attracted to both black people and white people is to predispose you to needing your bedroom activities to look like an X-rated Benetton ad.


By treating all queer women as unicorns just waiting to happen, couples reduce bisexuality to a party trick, and bisexual women to baubles that exist solely to entertain and excite them when their sex lives have grown tedious. But bisexual women aren’t mythical creatures or fetish objects or gifts: We are people with our own needs, desires, and interests—and we all deserve sex partners who respect us and see us as people.


There’s nothing wrong with wanting a threesome, and there’s nothing wrong with exploring group sex. But trolling the internet in search of a unicorn, and treating any and all bisexual women as thirds just waiting to be plucked, is truly bad behavior. If what you want is a fantasy woman who’ll effortlessly make your threesome dreams come true then disappear into the ether until you summon her once more—hire an escort. Playing the role of the unicorn takes work: If a woman’s going to do it, she should at least be compensated for her labor.


* Holly requested I change her name to protect her privacy.


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Bisexual women don’t want to be your sex ‘unicorn’